College ate me up and spat me out.
In the beginning, it was exactly what I wanted. To be out of my parents house. Free to do whatever I want with my life.
My major got less and less interesting by the day. The other students looked and felt like zombies, with their noses in books and livers dripping alcohol. Each day was a struggle, despite having the necessities. I was the furthest from happiness that I’d ever been.
And worst of all, I had no idea why.
It was a cage master that thrust me onto the road of enlightenment. Cage master is the name I gave the man at Humboldt State University who managed all the expensive film equipment.
I showed up for my introduction to the ticks and whirrs of a Bolex B8 Reflex 8mm with two other students from my film 101 course. They were more interested in each other than the cameras. I was more curious about the videos whispering secrets from Steve’s short and distressed desk.
When he had finished our tutorial and granted the eager couple permission to leave, I popped my question.
He compiled a list of videos for me to watch and invited me to discover what was really going on in the world. It may have been appropriate for him to provide me with a disclaimer.*
*Exposing yourself to the grand conspiracy of humanity may fuck you up*
**Like a lot**
I spent the next few weeks high on information. My mind absorbed every video on youtube concerning the Federal Reserve, manipulative education systems, aliens, etc. The list goes on and on. At the time there weren’t all that many. The few that were in circulation were dark.
In between the sponging up information, I climbed, wrote, got high and attended classes that I wasn’t enrolled in. I just wanted to see if anyone knew what was going on. I was disappointed, yet again.
One evening my suite mates arranged for a magical mushroom trip.
I wasn’t in a good place to begin experimenting with psychedelics but something moved my body into Bernie and Devins room where I shoved an eighth of mushrooms into my mouth. The taste was horrible.
We started off into the woods to watch a sunset and returned to the suite where the spiraling of a bad trip trapped me in its gravity. Faceless narrators in the numerous youtube videos begin hissing about poison, offering road after road, each one leading to a more dismal place than the last.
It was an all at once deep dive into an endless stormy sea with no training or gear.
I started to drown.
My days consisted of condemning humanity all while committing to a very passive suicide via starvation. I wasn’t aware. Most people aren’t when they’re in it.
Escape. It was all I could think of.
Escape the body.
Escape this world that has been so saturated with deception and violence.
“There is nothing I can do.”
I am on the phone with my mother trying to hold it all down, but it comes up. With tears and shallow breaths I reveal my self to my mother. She holds me gently over the phone and asks me what I want to do…
A week later I am in my dads truck with my head resting on my moms lap. They are taking me home. It felt as if I was leaving a warzone. Mother strokes my head and I feel at peace.
My room was just the way I had left it. The same room I had considered a cage before college was was now my sanctuary.
But the peace didn’t last long.
My bell had been rung and it was ringing louder than ever. The pressure was staggering.
I felt beyond help. “Who can save me If I still feel this way at home?”
So busy I was, looking for someone to fix me that I overlooked the most powerful person in my life…me.
Mother introduces me to a Reiki Master named Marisa Moris.
She lays her hands on my body and begins channeling reiki. I felt a comforting warmth bubble up along with a tingling sensation in my arms and hands. “What is this?”
I knew nothing about reiki, this woman, or healing.
Sometimes Marisa would say things. Alarming things. True but impossible for her to know.
“You have a girlfriend but you’re still not over the last one…You write but you don’t understand it’s power…You wish you were free yet you don’t know how to free yourself.”
“How could she know all this about me?”
The session lasted over an hour and continued via conversation for another two hours. I was certainly a believer in Reiki, despite still not knowing what it was. She explained a great deal to me. About reiki, about what was happening to me and how.
What she didn’t explain was why.
Evidently this was for me to explain to myself.
I woke up from a hazy dream nearly 20 lbs lighter. I could see my ribs far too well. My body felt frail and weak. What I had done to my body was shocking.
But my spirit felt strong, having been awakened during the session with Marissa. It was now ready to take back the body.
Over the next few years I dedicated my life to reiki and studied with Marissa on a weekly basis learning all I could about meditation, healing, channeling, mediumship and consciousness.
I started watching different kinds of youtube videos, ones that empower and educate.
This transition was monumental for me. For the first time, I felt like I could do something. Not about the world you see. But I could do something about me. In fact that was the only thing I could do.
I turned my attention inward and developed a reiki practice for myself consisting of ritual meditation and daily self healings.
So many things happened to me during that time. Sickness was leaving me. Revealing deeper sickness. Demons more dominant than the ones I had faced in college.